JT Words

I think on one hand people dismiss the idea that there might be communication from the ‘other world’ to us. In the past people called these signals from the other side ‘omens’. We, of course, just view this as a sort of old world superstition. I think to some degree that the modern mind is correct in believing this. As someone who was raised in a fundamentalist Christian environment that was surround by people deluded into the idea that God was communicating with them – which I would be open to believing this with some people – but it seemed like all of God’s communication and signs to them was doing was to help them reinforce their own inflexible, self-righteous and narrow world views.

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One of the first remembrances I have of my dad was of walking in on him as he was speaking in tongues in my religious school’s prayer room. This is a guy that I watched fast for God and even become a missionary but now refuses to talk to me because I am gay. This is not how I imagine God’s love shining through his faithful followers.

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So certainly we can be deluded by signs. But for me the issue is what kind of feeling does the ’sign’ create in me. Is it one that serves to further enforce my own fears, anxieties and insecurities or is it one that enhances my feelings of connection to the world, broadens my sense of possibility and inspires within me the energy to act?

When it is said to ‘follow one’s heart’ I believe that this truly means a deep reorganization in how one lives their life. It means that we have to orient ourselves to different guiding information. The intellect and logic are not enough. Intuition and the openness to making mistakes play a huge role. The willingness to be exposed and vulnerable are essential. One cannot enter the world of the heart with a rigid mind. When one lives in the world of heart the whole world is seen as an extension of oneself – a mirror to reflect back to us the messages from the deepest part of our being.

When one lives from the heart listening becomes ones greatest tool. The peacemakers strongest weapon.

And by listening I mean with all of one’s senses. The eyes, the ears, the nose, the subtle sensations inside oneself – these all become different expressions of the same sound – the same message. When we live from the heart the world becomes One Sound. One energy manifesting itself in an endless movement of pattern – rhythm – melody.

Even the most skeptical and cynical of us know this to be true. That it is the small and subtle things that catch our attention that can lead us to the most monumental life changes. What was it in us that trusted that little voice that said ‘go for it’? How was it that that dream gave us the answer to a challenging question? Or that our curiosity to follow a little impulse lead us to great discovery?

Paying attention to the omens of the world means staying open to how everything can be a doorway into the deeper parts of your imagination – your profound and inherent intelligence. That once you stop grasping and just stay open to the present moment that you begin to unwind the deeper tensions of your being. Breathing through the discomfort of the turbulence you enter into a more comfortable place inside yourself that feels at home no matter where you are.

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I have to say that even the fundamentalist Christians that I criticize at the beginning are following their deeper hearts as well. I know because I was one. Maybe sometimes God is an ‘Angry and Jealous’ God. But I feel like that is the ‘projection’. I feel that that is taking our deepest fears and insecurities and turning them into a spiritual figure that is ultimately used to control and condemn people. My experience of God is that it shows me that the nature of life is a deep mystery and that Love really is at the center of it all and that the messages from God that I get help me to be a more balanced, happy and creative person that is accepting of others – even if they are different from myself.

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I wrote this while listening to Eyvind Kang’s Virginal Coordinates

and was probably heavily influenced by the fact that I was reading

What is God? By Jacob Needleman

last night when I couldn’t sleep

Well we actually made it to San Diego. I’m sitting in a kitchen with a group of people feeling accomplished, excited and exhausted. It has been quite the journey. I’ve uploaded some more pictures on facebook. I’ll try and make sure that they are set to ‘public’.

Highlights of the trip:

+ The bus made it at least half of the way on veggie oil. My method is beginning to work. I’m sure I’ll need to change my filters soon.

+ Our taillights were out the entire journey. We stopped to get deisel in ‘the middle of nowhere’ I-5 and were informed by a sheriff passing by that they weren’t working. We ended up using spare flashlights making very weak taillights that didn’t work so well on the foggy dark freeway. Of course this was somewhat dangerous to be driving with out headlights but we had little other choice. At one point I did pull over to ‘rest my eyes’ and wait for the sun to come up so we wouldn’t have to worry about it. We made it safely though and we will be returning in the day light hours. The electric system will need to be reworked when I return – are you ready Henry?

+ The show went great. The party was happening with a nice diverse crowd in the audience. They were generous with their praise and the drinks were free.

+ We found a wondrously clean and full barrel of veggie oil. We still have 20 gallons basking in the sun – as the heat and light help to filter the oil.

+ We have two more days off to relax and enjoy.

There’s more but I think we are being pulled to the beach. Stay tuned…

‘You should view the world as a conspiracy run by a very closely-knit group of nearly omnipotent people, and you should think of those people as yourself and your friends.’ – Robert Anton Wilson

Well, just a few days left before the Sun is furthest away from our planet. Or that our planet is furthest away from the Sun. One of my favorite insights into the myth of Christianity and the reason why we celebrate Christmas on the winter solstice is described in the Zeitgeist video that is loved by so many people that I know.

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The first part of the video goes into an exploration of religion and the pagan Sun myths and how Christianity is just another iteration of a VERY old story. The second part of the video speaks to how the twin tower attack was an inside job and the last part goes into the federal reserve system and how it’s controlled by the Illuminati or something. All very interesting stuff.

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I’m not a huge conspiracy guy but I know enough about history to know that it is written by the winners and that even the most honest and rigorous historians have a personal bias. I think there is wisdom and good perspective to be found in some of the most marginalized historical views out there which tend to hang out in the conspiracy camps.

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One of my favorite authors who has had a major impact on my ‘world view’ is Robert Anton Wilson who spends a great deal of his writing dealing on ‘conspiracy stuff’. He wrote one of the most successful underground Sci-fi series called ‘The Illuminatus! Trilogy’. I haven’t read it in it’s entirety but it is on my list. I recommend ‘Prometheus Rising‘ or ‘Quantum Psychology‘. People into consipracy theory may want to check out ‘Cosmic Trigger‘. After that there are plenty to choose from.

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One of the challenges I have with people who are really into conspiracy theory is that they can tend to seem very mentally unstable. It makes sense to me that people who may be on the edges of their own sanity might be into information that is just on the edge of ‘consensus reality’. My feeling is that if you live in this world you need to be grounded in it before you start pushing yourself into the territory of the unknown. My psychology teacher Arny Mindell talks about the Jungians fear of getting lost in the shadow and not returning. A concrete analogy of this is someone who goes off the deep end from doing too many psychedelic drugs. I think of my old friend Demitri – who is no longer with us due to suicide – who I watched slowly sink into his paranoid schizophrenia while getting heavily into ‘lefty’ activist work – constantly filling his head with stories of a world controlled by a small and powerful elite that we are practically powerless to do anything about. Demitri would come to our house and share stories of how he was being followed by secret agents and something as harmless as a strangers smile was construed to have multiple layers of conspiratorial meaning.

So I write all this with the idea in mind that we are at the darkest point in our season. No matter how you look at it this is an edgy time for people. It’s cold out, it’s dark, economically things are tough and this is the time of year where we are most pressured to buy into consumerist culture, many people have to deal with family dynamics they spend all year trying to avoid, other people have no family and face heavy isolation and loneliness issues. Stress is up and resources are depleted. It is a time to truly remember to practice kindness and generosity because you really don’t know what monsters someone might be dealing with right now.

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The bright side is that because it is so dark we have the opportunity to dive into the deeper parts of our being. We can take the time to slow down, breath, have a cup of warm tea and just relax. This IS the time to let the imagery of  the soul affect you. As the warmth of the Sun is at it’s most diminished we must go inward to find our own light. And the story says – nature says – we will find it. The Sun (of god?) will reemerge and light will reign down from the heavens – Hallelujah!

Well, at this point, I am shooting for a blog post at about once a week. Just so you know.

I have a new friend who has entered my life and he is keeping me more busy than usual. It’s currently a foster agreement so I do have the opportunity to opt out if necessary and it’s something I’m struggling with deeply right now. I love this guy and couldn’t ask for a more perfect dog. But a dog is a lot of responsibility.

I have also enlisted a human friend in helping me with some work as a ‘personal assistant’. He has helped me change the look of this blog – which may continue to happen until I find the ‘perfect’ look. Comments are welcome in regards to design.

As usual I find myself spinning a dozen different plates at once while still trying to maintain an awareness of the deep stillness that exists in each moment. Sometimes when the chaos is really big the stillness is clearest. Sometimes when things are quiet it is entirely elusive.

I realize that this has to do with how my nervous system processes information. It also speaks to a deeper truth as to what the ‘nervous system’ actually is.

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I’ve been spending a lot more time lately browsing the internet. My experience of technology is that it is a next step in the development of the human nervous system – whether we like it or not. I think of all my friends peering intently into their iphones. I hope that I peer as intently into the subtle sensations of my body.

I think of how a neuron in the brain can perceive the movement of a single electron (or so I’ve read). I also think of how two separate atoms can affect each other instantaneously over an infinite amount of distance (scientists call this ‘entanglement’). That means that something happening ‘over there’ can immediately be perceived by my brain ‘right here’. The issue is: how receptive have I made my awareness?

When I see people suffer – or see myself suffer – it usually boils down to one thing: automatic reaction. Rather than allowing space for awareness to seep in between stimulus and response, people tend to automatically go into ‘reaction mode’. The reactions are always justified and they usually always create more suffering – the Buddhists call this ’samsara’.

Forget about good or bad, right or wrong, the real issue is awareness. People are essentially good (despite what years of Institutionalized Christianity has taught us). When that premise is understood then we have to wonder why we do ‘bad’ things sometimes – maybe, even, a lot of the time.

A buddhist might say (and I would agree with them) that people create suffering for themselves and others because of their conditioning. Dogs and humans are similar in this regard (maybe in all regards!). There aren’t really ‘bad’ dog’s – dogs are essentially good – but there are dogs that have been conditioned to exhibit ‘bad’ behavior – or behavior that creates suffering for themselves or others. But because of a dog’s essential goodness (their deepest desire is to serve – just like humans) they can be rewarded and conditioned to have good behavior. What I have noticed in the short time that I have had my dog is that creating good behavior works in tandem with the dog having a receptive state of awareness. They can’t learn while working on auto-pilot.

So much of our world is geared towards us having instant responses to things. So it is easy to fall into the prison of conditioned behavior – especially for those of us who have had a lot of bad examples in our environments.

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I really wanted to be a preacher when I was young and I feel myself going there right now.

I want to convince you of the power of becoming more receptive. I want to inspire you to slow down and pay more attention and feel things out for a while before you respond to things. I want to reprimand you for thinking with just your head or your guts and not including the wisdom of your heart. I want you to spend more time paying attention to your breath (in and out through the nose please) and feeling where your body connects to the ground or the chair or the bed or wherever. I want you to use your imagination to solve your problems so that they can create the highest good for all involved – not resort to the ‘conditioned response programs’ of your most base emotions: anger, jealousy, greed, divisiveness and fear. I want you to listen more than you speak (I need to practice what I preach in that department) and above all I want your curiosity and playfulness to guide you as much as your expertise and seriousness does.

And if you do all that I’ll give you a cookie!

I first met Joel at the Phoenix Theater when he was probably just 13 or 14. The first conversation I remember having with Joel was about quantum physics. I’m not sure if he had finished his Calculus courses by then but he was one of the few people I’ve know that was smart enough at such a young age to understand high level math, science, history, and philosophy. My friend Tom (30 years older than Joel – and pretty smart himself) had to study before their weekly breakfasts in order to keep up with him. Joel was a master conversationalist and a master debater.

We were all surprised when Joel informed us that he was joining the military. Why would such a smart, loving, and rebellious guy want to join the army? Because what Joel was about, more than anything, was adventure.

I never got to go on any of the infamous walks with Joel but I have heard story after story of his random wanderings throughout Petaluma (and even sometimes to other towns) where magical adventure would seem to spring up out of nowhere wherever he went. If you wanted excitement and a good time Joel was someone you wanted to be around.

Joel’s house – the infamous Baker St. house – was grand central station for the brightest and most creative of his generation in Petaluma. Though I never visited the Baker St. house in its heyday I still hear it lovingly referred to with the greatest of reverence. It was the necessary incubator for so many of those young people who I now respect so greatly as adults.

Every year, on the eve of this day, there is a candle light vigil held outside of that house.

It wasn’t that long after Joel’s basic training that we got word that he had died suddenly on his bunk – his heart had failed in the same way that his fathers heart had, suddenly and without warning.

I got the word after a weekend we had spent in Tahoe celebrating my birthday. We had had the greatest of times (I won over $300 at blackjack) and Tom decided to spare us the news until we had left Tahoe.

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Death rips through communities like a tornado. I’ve seen it many times. Joel’s death was no different. His memorial at the Phoenix was packed full of people (the Phoenix holds about 900) and the love and the grief in the air was palpable. It still is. 6 years later Joel is remembered no less for the impact that he had on so many people – especially those that were closest to him.

But with death also comes rebirth and out of Joel’s death came our relationship to his mother Alyson. I could spend a whole post on Alyson but it will suffice it to say that she is one of the most incredible people I have ever met. The relationship that Joel’s friends have developed with Alyson after his death have helped to sooth the wounds of loss on both sides.

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In my worldview when people close to me die they become the gods of my pantheon. Each representing a different principle of life that is important to me. Each representing a spirit that I can call on and commune with whenever I need to. Joel is my wandering Taoist. He is who I look to for heart and for the capacity to be curious. He is who I look to, at times, for direction in my own aimless wanderings.

I will never forget how often I would have to run and hide from Joel’s monstrous hugs – when he would see me and yell ‘Jaayyyy Teeeeee, come give me a hug!’ and if he caught me, would smother me in his arms and say something ridiculous.

I would have loved to hear the stories about his military adventures in whatever part of the world that would have been graced by his presence.

Big love on you Joel and all that are grieving for you.